These Dang Feelings

  I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling like a total failure.  For some reason, I just can't seem to come to grips with the fact that I'm yet single again.  Is there something wrong with me? Am I a black widow? Am I some cursee or under a curse that I knew nothing about.
  Today as I ventured out into the mall, I saw other happy couples of various types and I smiled, but it was so hard for me to mask the pain that I feel inside.  See, a few weeks ago me and my boo parted ways and I was devastated.  The reason being was number one the way in which the boo broke up with me, the second part was because of the fact there was limited communication and just really no explanation.  Don't get me wrong, I've had my share of suitors and have my share of callers, but no one really worth my time.  I just don't understand.
  What did I do wrong?  The break up was partly because I didn't meet certain "qualities" such as being overly macho and overdosed on testosterone.  It was a burn because it is simply who I am.  I don't understand why this eccentric little Black boy has problems dating.  I mean if it isn't because of me being an entertainer or a church boy, it's because I'm not "hood enough" or because I'm "too white" or simply because they are "just looking for friends." Other times is just physical.
  I want more than a physical attraction.  I want that type of relationship that is unconditional and the feelings are mutual.  I'm tired of being in love by myself. I really am.  The last few relationships that I've been in, it seems as if it's been out of convenience for others while I'm constantly being stood up, inconvenienced, and crapped on.  I am really tired of it.
  Again, today as I watched the happy couples I wondered and asked the Supreme One "When is MY time coming." I still haven't gotten an answer.  it's as if my friends and those around me can have happy lasting relationships and I'm always the single biatch of the group.  I'm tired of being the third and 5th wheel.  Dang it, I want my one and only.
  It's sad when you go out and know that you're looking good, but you're constantly being overlooked or ignored and your friends are getting all of the attention.  Just like last week a dear friend and I went to the mall.  I walked into a clothing store first, but my friend walked in. The store clerk looked at me in my face and I spoke, but he ignored me. However, when my friend walked in he spoke very brightly and happily to my friend. The clerk didn't even ask if I needed assistance.  I just felt like I was the ugly red headed buck toothed step child.  Even my friend was getting approached by people and complimented, but I was just like the sidekick who just stands by.  I really felt like the ugly girl of the crew.  I'm like "OMG." I just sucked it up and went on about my business.
  Although I'm newly single, I have been back in the dating game, but I keep running into stand ups, jack asses , and bull crap.  To be honest, I'm tired and irritated with this crap.  I'm too sexy for all this being ignored and being crapped on by everyone.  Maybe I'm just being a you know what. I'm really done with this.  Maybe I should just wait and let my one and only come to me.  I don't know.  What do you do when you feel compelled to look for that one thing that you are missing?  I don't understand what I've done to deserve this fate.
  Why am I always the single one of the group? When will it be my time to have something real for a change?


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